Negative

I feel like I loathe myself today so this is me acknowledging the feeling instead of ignoring it completely. The self-acceptance/self-love journey seems so out of reach on certain days I guess.

I do believe that once I hit rock bottom, the only way is up. While waiting for that to happen though, let me...... bask in the view down here for a bit. It's not everyday I get to enjoy a pitch black darkness (ah such redundancy) with a tight chest.

"Isolation is not good for me, isolation I don't want to sit on the lemon tree" ♫

Plot twist

Look here, it's 2.08am on a Friday 29/1/2016 and I am suddenly thinking about you, hardcore. Let me elaborate:

I miss our awkward first encounter - I had some expectations but they were all over the place the moment you came through the door. I appreciate the way you looked so menacing and confident that I feared the consequences for laying a finger on you. Indeed you were too precious, too out of my league but hm, I did it anyway.

I took the leap of faith. Turned out to be the best decision ever.

You see, all my life, good decisions are scarce as I was always drowning in mistakes and regrets but you were a special case. With you, I felt like things could go wrong and right simultaneously and I liked that cheap thrill. Your warm embrace felt like freshly printed papers and I dig that. I love how you made me put in effort to make things work because the struggles I faced penetrated facades I so wholeheartedly built over the years. I love how you're one and also many and that really taught me to be myself (one) without neglecting the other parts of me (many). I also love how white, pure and innocent you were underneath the bold colour. For that, thank you for introducing me to the marriage of vulnerability and invincibility since I'm usually drenched with the former while the latter is rather foreign.

I miss you too much and I'm on the verge of insanity but you know what? I'm willing to lower my ego and take a step towards you because you're one in a million and I'd be a fool for letting you go.

Credits: koreanbapsang

I dedicate this blog post to you, 떡볶이❤️

Ps: 78% sleepy so excuse the mistakes and lack of coherence bye

Edit: Hi wow this post was laced with deep emotions lol I guess that's what happens when thoughts coincide with cravings. Glad I wrote this nonetheless. Definitely needed to express.

行くぞ

Hello 2016!

I haven't been here for the longest time. Sure, I did have intentions to return and write but I simply don't know what to write about. Of course I could write on my routined, banal life but sometimes I want to write on particular topics impressively. As such, I concluded that I was too torn between pleasing myself or pleasing readers, if any, and that I was far too scared of grammatical errors or ambiguity in delivering my main message - because that's how I usually am.

Therefore, I'll just throw caution to the winds and just write whatever I want to and I shall:

Write on 'today, this happened' (because I have terrible memory)

Write on feelings (in order to address the depth of emotions)

Write on hopes and dreams* (to constantly reminded on what I want to achieve)

Write on random facts that intrigue me (as I am...easily intrigued)

Write on a book I just read (since I have a lot of new, unread books)

(*However, in terms of hopes and dreams, there will be a lot of ambiguity involved because I am a private person and I believe that externalising them to others will make me feel either insecure or complacent. Why am I justifying this, I do not know)

Most importantly, I shall write to my heart's content and I wish to see improvement from various aspects. This year, I plan to grow as a person, to overcome my fears, to enhance my self-confidence, to discover new things and to just, be content. Yeah.

Excited and scared for 2016. Don't know what's in store for me this year but I plan to look forward.